She left him. She moved far away. She had superb family support. She had a restraining order. She had him arrested multiple times. And now she is dead. He killed her. He came to where she had moved, broke into her home, waited for her to return. And killed her.

The next time you or someone you know, trivializes domestic violence, think about the dead women – who did everything right – and they are dead.

This could be your sister, your daughter, your best friend.

She left – and she was still not safe.
She got a restraining order – and she was still not safe.
She reached out for support – and she was still not safe.

Domestic violence is not about what the battered woman did right or wrong.

Domestic violence is about what the abuser does. The choices the abuser makes. Only the abuser can stop the abuse.

Let’s support the victims of domestic violence. But have no illusion that she is never safe as long as the abuser is free to continue the choice to a use her.

This weekend is the annual Mothers March on Washington, which coincides with Mothers Day. This is part of an entire weekend of activities coordinated by Mothers of Lost Children.

Each year over 58,000 children are placed with abusive fathers, in most cases taken from mothers who have committed no crimes and have no history of abuse. The crisis in the family courts includes decades of gender bias against protective mothers. If a mother dares to bring up abuse in the family courts, the tables will be turned on her, with accusations (requiring no evidence) that she is lying and attempting to alienate her children against their father. Despite evidence of abuse by the father, the courts end up taking children from the custody of mothers who disclose abuse.

This weekend hundreds of mothers will spend their Mothers Day marching at the Capitol to bring attention to this painful and dangerous issue. They will also ask the justice department to take action.

There will be workshops and training during the weekend to address
the legal issues associated with this crisis in the family courts. Additionally, there will be a one day Battered Mothers Custody Conference, led by Dr. Mo Hannah and attorney Barry Goldstein.

Happy Mothers Day to everyone and, for those who do not have your children with you, you are not alone in your fight for justice.

I recently read a blog from Jenny Smith. She has the distinction of being one of the first women ever admitted into a battered women’s shelter. Way back in May of 1973, the first battered woman shelter opened in England. (They are called women’s refuge.). She talked about her experience of finding shelter from her abuser, making one of those very first calls to seek shelter.

Jenny Smith talked about her experience but also asserted that she thinks battered women are no safer now than they were in 1973. She makes several interesting points.

Most studies that track homicide rates of battered women, show that those numbers have remained about the same over the decades. What has changed dramatically over that period of time is the number of battered women who kill their abuser. Those number have gone way down. Fewer battered women kill their abusers. We have saved abusers from being killed. While I certainly don’t advocate killing people, I do find it ironic that we have successfully saved abusers from being killed, while the number of women being killed by their abuses has remained fairly static.

I have no doubt that many battered women and their children have been saved by having battered women shelters. What I also know is that abuse is still accepted and consequences still seem small for committing abuse. We have better laws but most abuse is never punished.

And little emphasis is put on psychological abuse and it’s impact. It’s hard to create laws against psychological abuse. Yet, we know it’s impact is devastating, in many cases. Most of domestic violence is not physical abuse, but psychological abuse and coercive control.

So, have we made it safer for battered women since 1973 when Jenny Smith first took refuge in a battered woman shelter? Maybe not.