The Ray Rice story rolls on. As you may have seen, some of that is about his wife, Janay, and why she has stayed with him. The talking heads on tv are very good at speaking for her, as if they know her. I have heard several people say, “she is doing this because of_———” fill in the blank with money, denial, fear, etc. Those people don’t know her and don’t know why she married him after the elevator beating, or why she stays with him now. They are just speculating, but at her expense.

There are many reasons why women stay with their abusers. I have written before about the fear and love that both impact decisions.

But, there is far more to the process than what meets the eye. There is biology that plays a significant role.

When a person is traumatized, the freeze, flight, and fight mechanism becomes activated. When that happens, the thinking and reasoning parts of the brain shut down. During that time, information is not stored or organized in the memory the way non-traumatic information is. Much of what happens is randomly stored, so the person has no narrative memory for what happened.

The part of our brain that is responsible for creating a narrative out of our experiences (the left prefrontal cortex) tries to fill in memory gaps. If you tell yourself a narrative, you begin to believe it. If you blame yourself or feel like it’s your fault that you were abused, that becomes your narrative.

If it was your fault, why would you leave him? Why would you want him prosecuted? You do not have the narrative that he is responsible and he should be punished. Those of us who watch that video of the assault In the elevator, develop our own narrative. But, we are not in fight or flight mode or traumatized. We are operating from a rational, reasoning part of our brain. I see that video and think he should be arrested and charged with a serious felony. Bur, my brain is not in trauma mode when I am putting the information together.

The story the victim/survivor tells herself, may also be supplemented with what the abuser tells her. He may be the person helping her fill in the memory blanks. He is not operating in trauma/survival mode.

Once she puts a narrative to her experience, it may be the narrative of loving her partner, being her fault, she contributed to the problems, or other messages that do not make him responsible or accountable for the violence. If that is her narrative, why would she leave?

So, let’s be very careful about victim blaming in this case and others. The fact is that biology comes into play and that process highjacks memory and rational thought. The narrative she is working with is not your narrative. It is created through the process of trauma. Janay Rice is staying with her husband. That is how she put the narrative together. Give her your support and understanding.

And, for just a moment, think about how you would feel is the most horrible moment of your life was filmed and shown hundreds of times on national television.

,

There is nothing quite like having a football player busted for beating his girlfriend (wife) unconscious to get the talk going about domestic violence. And, to hear how much utter stupidity still exists out there. A 49ers radio commentator blamed Janay Rice because she married him after this occurred.

Did you notice that she married him the day after the charges were filed against him? Those of us who work in this field, see things like this all the time. They just don’t play out in the national news.

So, how many times have you seen the clip of Ray punching out Janay? If you watch CNN or ESPN, it has played over and over. For most people, this is shocking behavior. And, it should be. A man punching a woman so she loses consciousness, and then dragging her to their room, should be shocking.

In the beginning, there was a lot of talk about Janay. Some subtle and some overt blaming of her. I heard one sports guy say he saw her spit at him in the elevator. Another said she pushed him into the corner so he had to defend himself. Good grief people, there is NO excuse for his behavior. None.

My brother and I has a few email exchanges about this. He’s a smart guy and has two daughters (as well as a son). One of his comments to me was that he thought the punishment was too harsh, because she had no permanent injuries. With all the talk about football players getting concussions, we just dumb down about battered women who get knocked unconscious? She didn’t have a helmet to protect her. She was knocked out cold. Do we know she won’t experience problems from closed head trauma? And, what about the psychological damage? Does anyone believe she doesn’t have emotional damage from being abused? No permanent injuries? Wrong. She is permanently damaged by this incident.

Of course, they are both saying nothing like this has ever happened before. I don’t believe that for a minute. What I believe is that he never did it where it was being recorded or with witnesses. He slugged her. No hesitation at all. And pushed her around with his feet as she lay there unconscious. I think it would be quite naive to think this is the first time.

So, now what? The next big story will hit the news and this one will fade away. Janay and Ray will go on, for a while anyway. She may stay with him and she may not. Either way, she deserves our caring and support. When/if she decides to leave, she will need understanding and empathy. Don’t ask, why does she stay? Ask how you can help. How can you educate people about domestic violence? How can you be a support to a battered woman? How can you stand by her even when she refuses to stand up for herself?

Janay Rice will fade from the headlines. But I hope the importance of this situation stays with you. When you see abuse, offer help. There is a new website just opening to help people find a battered women’s shelter anywhere in the country. There is a new app for smart phones that connects a battered woman with her designated support people if she needs help.

Be that person who cares. Be that person who doesn’t judge what you don’t understand. Stand up for Janay. Stand up for battered women.