Well, we already have our first test of the new NFL policy on domestic violence. Just read that one of the SF 49ers was arrested last night for domestic violence. Now we are going to see where the rubber meets the road. We are about to see how the NFL applies their new rules, in reality.

After the uproar over the very light response to domestic violence in the past, The NFL announced a new policy: first offense, suspended without pay for 6 weeks; second offense banned for life. But, there was also included in their statement that they would let law enforcement and the courts take action. That leaves room for great ambiguity since we know that most arrests do not result in a legal finding. Cases are dismissed for a variety of reasons: the victim no longer cooperates with prosecuting the case (in up to 75% of cases), or the prosecution decides not to go forward.

Victims become uncooperative with the prosecution of cases for myriad reasons: she loves him and doesn’t want him to get in trouble; he may have threatened her of worse consequences if she proceeds; she may fear loss of income; she may fear loss of her children in family court; as time has passed since the arrest, she may have minimized or be in denial about the seriousness of the abuse.

I am pleased to see the NFL taking domestic violence seriously. And, I have concerns about what standard they will use to determine if a player should experience the consequences. If they only use the standard of whether a case is prosecuted, they will miss the boat. Certainly, there has to be some standard so a player is not falsely accused. But, contrary to popular opinion, only about 2% of domestic violence claims are determined to be false reports, the same percentage as any other type of crime. Making false claims is just not prevalent. Yet, I expect to see that issue being asserted as the seriousness of the consequences becomes a reality. We will likely very quickly see victim recantation of claims as cases come through the system. You can expect to read that a victim of domestic violence has come forward and said she exaggerated the claim or made it up. This is a very common response of victims. It does NOT mean it didn’t happen. In CA, a case can be prosecuted even if the victim recanted. They can use police reports, witness statements, pictures of injuries, or 911 calls as evidence against the abuser.

Domestic violence cases are most always complicated. But, the application of common sense goes a long way. The video of the player dragging his girlfriend (now wife) out of the elevator speaks for itself. The fact that in spite of that incident, she married him, also speaks to the complications of domestic violence cases.

So, hooray for the NFL stepping up about domestic violence. And I hope their implementation of the consequences uses some reality-based guidelines so that the consequences will actually be imposed.

It is quite common for abusers to apologize after being abusive. Battered women hear, “I’m sorry” over and over, especially when the abuser thinks she is moving away physically or emotionally. Sometimes, he may believe he is sorry. Other times he says it because he thinks it is what she wants to hear. It is part of the manipulation of coercive control.

Apologies without action are hollow. Without action there is no real remorse. Without action, saying “I’m sorry” means nothing at all. It is mere words. There is no power in an apology unless it is the precursor to change.

Abusers manipulate to maintain power and control. The ultimate loss of control is for the abused person to escape the control of the abuser. When there is abuse, the abuser walks a fine line of maintaining control without losing the abused partner. The abuser has to make her believe he is sorry after escalations in abuse in order to gain greater control. Once that control is well established, the apologies often stop. He doesn’t need to pretend to be sorry anymore once he has established solid control.

Change is about action. If a person is making changes, they take actions in the direction of that change. If they are not doing the behaviors, there is no change. Abusers promise to go to counseling, talk to the pastor, go to AA meetings, go to anger management, get a job, or whatever is related to the issues in the relationship. Once she agrees to not leave or to return, he doesn’t do any of the things promised during the apology. He may attend a few counseling sessions, but then finds a reason not to return. He may go to some AA meetings, but he doesn’t do all the meetings expected, doesn’t get a sponsor, and stops going. The same is true of going to anger management or other promised changes. They were only that: part of the cycle of empty promises without behavioral commitment to change.

You know someone is committed to change once they are actually doing it. And I’m not talking about a few meetings or counseling sessions, but an ongoing change in behavior. You haven’t quit smoking until you have stopped smoking for a period of time. You haven’t quit smoking because you stop for a day or two. Behavioral change takes time and commitment.

Show me the behavior. Once you do that, then I might accept that you have made changes that are real.

Don’t tell me you’re sorry. Show me your behavior.

Do you ever wonder how you’ve missed something really important that was apparently right there for you to see? Well, there is this really amazing guy out there named Jackson Katz who promotes the notion that domestic violence is a men’s problem. And, men have to step up and be leaders to address this issue with other men and boys.

If you Google Jackson Katz, take the few minutes to watch his TED talk. It’s right on. He demonstrates that through our language we take domestic violence from being a male issue to making it a women’s issue and, therefore, diminishing the responsibility of the men perpetrating violence. This is really important. We go from “john beat Mary” to “Mary is a battered woman.” John is no longer a part of the language of the violence. It becomes about Mary instead of about john.

Truthfully, without men teaching and leading other men and boys we will never stop violence perpetrated by men against women. We have programs and safe houses for the victims/survivors. This may keep them safe for a time, but it doesn’t change the behavior of the abuser. Only working with the victims isn’t going to fix the problem.

The current programs we have for perpetrators are woefully inadequate. They don’t address many of the real problems and they are designed for misdemeanor domestic violence. The statistics about the efficacy of these programs shows that they are not working well.

One of the underlying issues is accountability. In cities and cultures where there is a high degree of accountability for violence, the violence decreases. In this country, there is little accountability. Without this nothing changes.

When men see domestic violence as a men’s issues, and they hold other men accountable, things will change in a positive direction. We need good men to stand up and take the leadership role with other men and boys. Then we will be addressing the problem.

It’s time for good men to step up.

I deal with issues about domestic violence every day in my work. I provide therapy to victims and their families and I regularly testify in court as a domestic violence expert. It would be easy for that to make my life and work unhappy or negative. Nope. That just isn’t me.

There are good things. Every day, women leave abusive relationships and find safety. Most women go on to have happy lives, with loving partners. Contrary to popular opinion, most women that leave abusive relationships, never get into another one. I see the cases where that isn’t true, but it’s good to remind ourselves that most women do get out. And stay out.

I deal with the cases that don’t go well; the women who don’t or can’t get out; the kids who are trapped with being in the custody of an abusive parent. But I deal with the most extreme cases. There are thousands of them, but thousands more that go well.

We are making headway, even when it doesn’t always seem like it. We need to give credit to all those survivors and all the advocates who have helped to change lives. But let’s not break our arms patting ourselves on the back. There is still a huge amount of work to do. The family courts are broken when it comes to dealing with domestic violence. Women and kids are dying every day.

Let’s celebrate the good work, but use that as a springboard to keep us going for the difficult work we still face every day. This isn’t easy work, but no one ever said it would be. Join in the effort to recognize and stop domestic violence.